Being in a cult for 9 years: Part 2

As mentioned in Part 1, our life revolved around this church. We lived and breathed this organization, completely sold-out to the vision.

My husband was part of the pastor’s inner circle, labeled a “12”, after the G12 model the church followed. Basically, every pastor is supposed to have 12 disciples, those disciples get 12 disciples, so on and so forth.

Being on the pastor’s 12 gave you access to the pastor, and added responsibility.

By 2020, we had two children and still maintained the same pace, if not more.

We both were leading ministries, trying to build our own life groups, working full time, raising kids, building a business, and also trying to stay married.

We constantly had babysitters for our kids. I felt as if I hardly saw them during their very early years. It didn’t help that our pastor at the time taught us that young kids didn’t need much of our attention when they were young, that 15 minutes a day would suffice. My husband who worked in early learning at the time didn’t agree but I trusted what our pastor said above all else. 

The beginning of the end

The summer of 2020, my husband was scheduled to speak on a Sunday as our pastor normally took a Sabbath from speaking every August.

I noticed that as he was preparing for his upcoming sermon, he was struggling more than usual; he was emotional, sounded confused, and almost desperate. I didn’t understand, but I thought maybe the stress from preparing was getting to him. He had questions about scripture that I didn’t know, but again, thought it was just the sermon prep getting to him.

After he delivered his message I was sure things would go back to normal.

I was sorely wrong.

By the end of the month, he was in a panic and wanted out of the church.

His panic began when studying the scripture Matthew 7:21-23, 

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’  And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

Asking God, “Is this me?” led to question after question, but he wasn’t getting a sufficient answer from the pastor. Eventually, he got in contact with his cousin from a different state and denomination, and he also got in touch with a local pastor outside of our church. After meeting with our pastors at the end of August, my husband decided he was leaving, with the assumption that his family would join him.

The pastor had a meeting with all the leaders to break the news that my husband was having some confusion over scripture and was deciding to leave. I’m sitting there, absolutely confused because I don’t know what I’m going to do. At the end of this meeting, I sit down with the pastor and his wife and they ask how I’m doing. I say I’m confused, and everything was so sudden. By the end of that conversation, the pastor tells me that since my husband isn’t submitting to him, then I don’t need to submit to my husband. That was my green flag to ignore whatever my husband was saying.

Within a few weeks (if even that), my husband decides to come back to the church. At this point he is no longer leading any ministry, and is out of the pastor’s inner circle. He asked the pastor “What is a good way to leave the church?” The pastor said if he has conversations with him over several months about the scriptures, and if my husband is still not in agreement then my husband would have the blessing to leave.

My husband indeed had several conversations and by the 4rd month my husband was convinced this was not a safe place. The final conversation he had with the pastor, my husband was told that he would have the blessing to leave under these conditions:

1. “Tell people I showed you the scriptures”
2. “You were arrogant and refused to listen”
3. “You cannot call me a heretic”
4. “We will see what happens to your marriage”

My husband never went back.

Even after hearing all of that, I still had no ability to critically think for myself and tried to give the pastor the benefit of the doubt. This is when our marriage began to crumble fast. I was being love bombed as some martyr because my husband turned away from the vision of this church, while my husband pleaded for me to leave.

We eventually got into marriage counseling outside of the church, it was a step in the right direction but I thought my husband needed the counseling, not me (Ha!). 

The beginning of my end

By the end of March 2021, I had grown tired of the division. A facebook post showed up on our feed from the pastor, applauding me for the size of my group and my faithfulness to God. While taking a few passive jabs at my husband. Even with my lack of critical thinking, I saw the jab.There was a familiarity that we had at the church, and if you knew, you knew. The language, the unspoken rules, the culture. While the post made me feel appreciated because of the love bombing tactics, I knew that it was wrong. My husband pleaded with me to leave, and I finally said yes. 

But when a cult has had their snare on you for 9 years, parting ways is no simple feat.